What have stories got to do with Real Life?

Have you ever….

Have you ever felt that other people tell stories about you, that they try and define your or pigeon-hole you?  Narrative therapy allows you to write your own stories about who you are and who you want to be.

In this article, I will introduce the idea of how you can write your own story, your own narrative in line with your own values and using your own strengths.

How could therapy benefit you if you are perfectly fine?

Narrative therapy used in a positive psychology sense is a way of directing your own journey in the way that works for you.  It sees problems as something separate from you and allows you to form a way of navigating through life’s inevitable challenges, living your values.

This form of therapy was developed in the 1980s by Michael White and David Epston.  It sits very well with other forms of effective therapy such as ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy), Hope Therapy, Self-compassion, Mindfulness and Positive Psychology.  Importantly, you do not have to be ill to get better.  Everyone benefits from living in the best way that suits them; authentically with meaning and purpose.

Stories, stories everywhere…

They are everywhere, not just on Netflix, the news, but on adverts, media, politics, science,  in the law courts, in business and also within our families, friendship groups and our own minds.  So often people will say to me “I’m not creative” because they were not very good at drawing at age 12, unaware that they are creating their own story every single day.

The stories that we tell ourselves, that others tell about us and that society and the wider world tell us all shape our identity and experience.  You often hear the phrase ‘you have to see it to be it’.  It helps to see others that we can relate to doing something that we aspire to - in doing this, we take on the story that we, too, can do that thing.  Here are a few examples:  

Young girls are now playing football more than ever before because they see the success of the Lionesses.  They see women playing in big football stadia to big crowds.  They see strong, athletic women who train every day and are fit and determined.  That tells them the story that they too have that opportunity.  

I interviewed a great guy, Dominic, who grew up in the UK, born in the sixties, he has Caribbean parents and was one of the minority of black boys growing up in his Oxfordshire town.  He suffered from terrible prejudice and although he passed his 11plus, he was not given a place at grammar school.  He and five other boys who also passed were all not admitted to grammar school.  They were all black.  He was being taught the story that he was a second class citizen, not good enough, not important.  However, his godfather was the first black barrister in the UK and he told him a different story - that he could do anything, that he had to fight.  Dominic took this story on and realised that he was hard-working, intelligent, driven and ambitious and he accepted his godfather’s teaching that no doors were closed for him.  By writing his own story, he is now a writer, musician, University lecturer, parent and a buoyant and inspiring person.  That is not to say it is ok for society to tell prejudicial and damaging stories and that individuals should fight them - we, as a society must change them - but is an example of how story helped him overcome, personally.

With women, we get the messaging that there is something wrong with us - particularly as we are aging (which we are from birth but it gets pointed out to us more once we hit 40).  There are products marketed at us all the time to ‘correct’ our aging or our blemishes or ‘defy’ aging or ‘reverse’ the ‘damage’.  We are sold the story that there is something the matter if we are getting older.  Then Mary Beard comes along and we see a different story.  Helen Mirren declares that she wishes she had told people to **** off more and continues to get amazing acting roles - with her grey hair.  Suddenly, older women are present and the story changes.  We can all tell our own story about how our life is shaped and that we will and do age.

A lot of the stories that we take on are in a visual medium and these can be a bit harder to identify as we take them on without consciously acknowledging what we are absorbing.  We do this with messaging that we hear again and again.  It helps to know what we are hearing, from where and why.  

Narrative therapy helps you to externalise problems, you are not the problem.  So, for example, if you are nervous, you do not see it as ‘I am nervous’ you think ‘I sometimes experience nervousness’ and then you think about what place that has in your story - what it brings and what you do with it.  It is not ‘you’.

Importantly, in telling your own story, you can use your strengths.  A lot of people are a bit confused by this idea or feel it is immodest to think about their strengths - but it is an important idea to consider as we all have them.  We have different ones as well and that is another important concept to be aware of.  I will explain more about that in another piece.  We tend to focus on our weaknesses - at school, we are given improvements all the time, many work reviews and appraisals are focusing on weaknesses and areas to improve upon.  The work on strengths argues that if you do focus on using and combining your strengths, you do not particularly have to concern yourself much with weaknesses - as we all have those too.  

Strengths do not mean things like ‘I’m good at accounts’ or ‘I’m very punctual’ it means things such as: considered, open-minded, caring, calm, decisive, insightful, appreciative, wise, principled, determined, creative, generous.  I could go on….and on….but it is qualities, not things that you do.  And you will not have them all.  If you would like to know more about how to discover and use your strengths, do drop me an email nicola@learntothrive.co.uk and we can arrange a call to discuss this.

What happens in Narrative Therapy?

Put negative stories in their rightful place.  By identifying and understanding their origins you can learn how to challenge them and move on creating new stories.

Learn how to physically create documents through journaling or stories or poetry that help to create new, positive, helpful narratives for you.

I am ok.  What benefit would it give me?

Narrative therapy can provide a satisfying level of control and empowerment, making you the captain of your own ship.

It can help strengthen your sense of identify and self-esteem, create your own sense of meaning and course to live your values, aware of and using your strengths.

By being aware of your story and the factors at play in it can help build your resilience and sense of hope.  These are two quite complicated ideas and, again, I will write more about these later - but they are both very helpful ideas for living a satisfying life.  

While narrative therapy can be used to treat trauma, as a positive psychology practitioner, I cannot emphasise enough, you do not have to be ill to get better.  Having a greater sense of purpose and meaning, having resilience and hope and, importantly, more joy is a way to access a satisfying life.

Please do get in touch with  me if you have any queries or would like to know more about any of the points I have raised.  Nicola@learntothrive.co.uk or on WhatsApp 07918665656 or follow/subscribe as I will be posting about using reading and writing for wellbeing, sense, meaning, communication, joy and fun!